Monday, January 13, 2014

THIS should have been the insecure post...

So after the Sam's Club run and unload the car from the Sam's Club run and making my kick-ass, no bake, granola bars, I finally sat my butt down to get caught up on all my blogs I follow.

I got through 3 when I got inspired.

I got through 3 more when it left.

I got through another 3 when I got depressed and had to pull Adam away from our mini-bathroom renovation for a hug.

Much of my mood swings are self-inflicted in a way.  In this case, almost all of the blogs I follow are blogs of people who have been writing for quite some time.  They've published a few of their own stories in some way (traditional, indie, self, something).  They have a wealth of knowledge and experiences to share.  That's why I follow them and read them.

Why did I get to that oh-so-familiar Anxiety Girl today?  Something inside me, probably Anxiety Girl, said, "Wow, there is so much you can do!  And you know you'll have to get back to your WIP.  But when will you have the time to do all these things?  Read the books you want, get your foot into freelance somehow?  Remember, 10 hours every day is spent at and commuting to and from your job that doesn't allow you to do anything writing related."

It was around then my eyes welled up in some tears and I pulled Adam away from putty-ing the bathroom walls.

I want this.  I want it so bad that it pisses me off I can't dedicate the time I want to towards it.  Literally, it pisses me off.  After I was done crying I spewed a flurry of "shits" and "fucks" because I'm so angry I can't do what I really want to.


I'm aware there's "yet."  And you'll have to forgive the next part of my rant, as I often get like this around this time of the year, being a few weeks before my birthday.

I start over-analyzing myself and comparing myself to other people.  I'm soon-to-be 32 years old.  I should have this and this and have that be accomplished this and the other thing.  No, it's not a healthy thing to do.  I try so damn hard to not do that and I do it any way.  I catch myself doing it with Adam, too.  He knows I don't mean it harshly but I'll go off the deep end, "We have to get married this year.  We want kids and I don't want to be 70-years-old when they graduate high school."  Okay, exaggeration, but you know what I mean.

I have so much in my control as far as writing goes, yet I feel like I have none due to having a full-time job.  Which I do need to have as I pay half of most of the bills and without that we'd be back living with Adam's parents.

I need a beer.

Question for today's post:
Are you in a similar boat as I am and have a blog that needs following?  I would LOVE to add to my blog feeds other fellow writers struggling to get going!

1 comment:

  1. I think those struggles are a common thing for writers--especially early on. The longer I wrote, the less of my time it took--because the more fluid you become, the less editing you will have to do. You can do it, just keep on chugging. This writing thing ain't easy, but it *is* beyond rewarding every time you finish a story, and oftentimes in between!